I’ve moved!

I am now blogging at Nashville Marriage Studio.

Ashley’s Bride Guide

An engaged/newlywed couple specific review of Fireproof is on Ashley’s Bride Guide.

Go check it out!  www.ashleysbrideguide.com

Love Experiment: What do I want?

What are 3 things your spouse could do to communicate love to you?

An example list -

• Quit nagging me about cleaning the gutters while I am reading your book.
• Not leave dishes in the living room.
• Stop spending Friday night working late.

Make your list of three things you want your spouse to do.  Do it now.  I’ll wait.

Ok, read through your list.  Are you asking your partner for what you want?  Or for what you don’t want?

In the example list, I’ve asked for what I don’t want.  Let’s edit it to say what I want.

• I prefer talking about cleaning the gutters while we’re making dinner.
• I would like for you to put your dirty dishes in the sink.
• I want to go out to dinner this Friday night.

Edit  your list and make sure you’re asking for what you want. 

As a Love Experiment, inform your partner about the three things you would like that would communicate love to you. 

How did it feel asking for what you want, rather than what you don’t want?
How did your partner respond to what you wanted?
What difference is there between asking for what you want and for what you don’t want?

Email this link  to anyone you think might enjoy participating in this Love Experiment.

Want help editing your list?  Email me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com, and I will be happy to give you pointers in asking for what you want!

Fireproof: The Review

As promised, a review of the movie Fireproof:

Everyone and their mother told me about Fireproof when it came out.  I didn’t run out to see it because a) each suggestion came with the disclaimer that the acting was… well, bad, and b) paying $10 to watch bad acting in a theater was not my idea of fun.  I decided to wait until the movie was available to rent.

The acting was not the only part of the movie that made me hesitate.  I love relationships.  I believe that marriages are meant to be an amazing experience for everyone involved.  I wasn’t completely sold that this movie would be good and healthy guidance for a marriage in trouble.  I wondered if the actors would portray the reality of an unhappy marriage.  Would the problems be realistic?  Most importantly, would the solutions be healthy?  And last night, during a 10:00 PM viewing, I got my answers…

Emotions of an Unhappy Marriage
Personally, I thought the actors who played the couple, Caleb (Kirk Cameron) and Catherine (Erin Bethea), did a great job.  Especially during the “fighting” scenes.  Caleb is frustrated with Catherine for not showing him respect, and with her being such a nag.  Catherine feels alone, desperate for Caleb to communicate with her.  I believe that part of why this movie has become such a huge success is because they were able to capture feelings most anyone in a marriage has felt at one time or another.  We connect with Caleb and Catherine because most of us have been them.

Problems in an Unhappy Marriage
The problems that Caleb and Catherine have are somewhat vague.  They seem unable to effectively communicate who is going to be home for dinner, much less share an intimate conversation.  They are struggling financially, not because bills aren’t getting paid, but because the two have very different ideas of how to use their money (another sign of poor communication).  Caleb struggles with pornography, and Catherine is flirting with a co-worker.  The movie doesn’t get into lots of details about the problems, and at the same time seems to do a great job of covering a variety of issues within a marriage.

Healthy Solutions
The movie offers a pretty simple solution to the couple’s problems.  Caleb’s dad challenges Caleb to the Love Dare.  For 40 days Caleb is given a small daily task that will strengthen the marriage, i.e. don’t speak negatively, do something kind, etc.  This is very similar to a post I wrote about taking baby steps towards a better marriage.  I really like that they drive home the point that you must work on your marriage daily.  You can’t run your marriage on auto pilot.  It’s just not going to work that way.

My biggest problem with the movie’s solution is the underlying idea that one person is “right” and another is “wrong”.  In the movie, Caleb is definitely seen as the ‘bad guy’, while it seems as if Catherine has no responsibility to make changes to her behavior.  All marriages take two.  Two people to succeed, two people to fail. 

Fireproof  or the Love Dare probably aren’t going to solve all of your marital woes, but it’s a great first step.  If you’re able to see your marriage in the movie, it could be a hint that you guys need to change course.  If you’re still happily in love it could be a great warning sign of what you want to avoid. 

More than anything, it’s a great conversation starter… Have you seen it?  What’d you guys think?

Fireproof your marriage

Fireproof the movie comes out on dvd today.  

Fireproof is the story of an unhappy couple who is on the brink of divorce.  He doesn’t pay attention to her, and she… well, I don’t really know how she contributes to their problems (because I haven’t exactly seen the movie, yet).  Anyways, the couple has problems, is about to divorce, and then the husband accepts a challenge, the Love Dare. 

The Love Dare is a 40 day quest to love his wife better, the way God intended.  Through the challenge his heart softens then her heart softens, and I’m guessing everything ends up ok because everything always ends up ok for Christians… right?  Yeah.

Like I said, I haven’t seen the movie, yet.  I’ve already reserved my copy at the local Redbox, and I should have a review up for you tomorrow.  In the meantime, I just want to take some time to remind you that there are no ‘quick fixes’ for the problems in your life, and especially not the ones in your marriage. 

Many problems within a marriage exist because someone’s heart has been mishandled for years.  Maybe it has been years since your partner was tender with you, and your heart is filled with resentment.  Maybe your partner grew up in an abusive household, and his heart can’t seem to fully trust.  We have hearts that are hurting and need a time and place to heal.

Healing a heart takes time.  Give your relationship that time.  Fireproof your marriage by deciding to make your marriage a safe place.  Don’t allow negativity to creep in to your relationship.  Take your negative thoughts captive and sit with them until you find the kindest way to express your need or frustration.  Decide today to make your marriage a sanctuary away from the world’s abuse and discouragement.

 4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. 1 Cor. 13: 4-7

February Workshop Dates

 I will be offering Bound Together, a premarital workshop that satisfies the requirements of the state of Tennessee, on the following dates in the month of February:

February 11th, Wednesdayfrom 5 to 9 pm
February 21st, Saturday from 12 pm to 4
February 22nd, Sunday from 12 pm to 4
Fee for all dates:  $60/couple

Participating in Bound Together is a great first step as you guys begin to build the foundation of your relationship.

If you are an engaged couple in Nashville you won’t want to miss it!

Email me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com to register.

Baby step your way to a better relationship

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”  – Confucius

I’m not sure where you are on your own journey to a happy marriage.  Maybe you are on the brink of divorce.  Maybe you just got married, and can’t imagine your relationship being any better.  Maybe you are in the middle, not an extreme, just kind of… hanging out.

No matter where you are, remember to keep walking.  Or if you’ve sat down, get back up and take that first step.  We underestimate the power in a single step in the direction that we decide we want to go.  Deciding that you want a better marriage requires commitment to take the first step towards that dream…

Say something nice
When was the last time you gave your partner a compliment?  When was the last time you were encouraging or supportive of a dream or idea she had? 

If you can’t think of the last time you gave your partner the gift of a kind word, it’s probably not because you don’t have kind words to give.  Often we’re just forgetful.  Today, make a point to remember.  Remember to let him know that you’re happy to see him.  Whisper how beautiful she looks when she is helping your children with homework.

Words are powerful.

Ask a question
Americans often suffer from believing they know everything.  More than likely you don’t know everything, and this is particularly true when it comes to your partner.  You don’t know anything until you ask.  Commit to making no more assumptions about what is going on in his head. 

     Assumption:  You’re always so irritated when you come home from work.
     Question:  What happened at work today?  Did something upset you?

     Assumption:  I’m the only one who cares about our finances!
     Question:  How do you feel about our financial situation?  I’m concerned we’re overspending, what do you think?

Ask for help
We’ve told ourselves that things like marriage and parenting should just come naturally.  We shouldn’t have to learn how to be good spouses or parents.  However, if you or your partner have learned bad relationship habits, you might want to consider some form of counseling.  A professional can help guide you towards a healthier relationship, much the same way a personal trainer guides you towards a healthier body.  It might take a while, and it will take lots of work, but more than likely you won’t regret the decision. 

Small steps are the only way that we you will see big change.

Great marriage? Yes we can.

A very common piece of marriage advice is to find a marriage mentor. Couples farther down the road of marriage are invaluable sources of advice, support and encouragement, particularly when the marriage road becomes rocky. Marriage mentors allow us to gain perspective, and realize the hard times don’t last forever. More importantly, mentors allow you to see a healthy and successful marriage in action.

Unfortunately, it can be quite the task to find a marriage mentor. Oftentimes, looking at the marriages of those around us leaves much to be desired. We are the generation who grew up in “broken homes” or with parents stuck in loveless marriages. We watched our celebrities have extravagant weddings only to hear about their “amicable separation” months later.

Where on earth, you may wonder, are we supposed to find these magical marriage mentors?

Hopefully, you’ll be able to find a couple that you know personally or through your religous organization. For the rest of us who don’t have access to a happily married couple, please allow me to introduce you to Mr. & Mrs. Obama!

I understand that you may disagree with the First Couple on a few (or all!) political issues, however don’t let that discourage you from using their marriage as a guide for a blissful forever. Nearly any time I read about their relationship I become more and more convinced that America can learn a thing or two from these presidential lovebirds.

Balance Between the Couple and the Individual
In 1996 Barack Obama described his relationship with Michelle saying,

She is at once completely familiar to me, so that I can be myself and she knows me very well and I trust her completely, but at the same time she is also a complete mystery to me in some ways.
Mariana Cook, The New Yorker

In the beginning of a relationship we are eager to become as close as humanly possible. We want to know everything we can about this wonderful person. Part of what makes marriage so exciting is that now you will truly share everything, especially life’s mundane moments.

A great couple learns that not only do you want to develop that “familiarity”, but keep the mystery. Always remember that each person in the relationship is still an individual. Remembering that your spouse is completely different from you, no matter how long you’ve been together or how much you’ve shared, will help keep the relationship feeling fresh and full of discovery.

Affection
Body language is a great way to determine if someone is lying to you. No one will believe you’re relaxed if your arms are folded tightly across your chest, no matter how much you try to argue otherwise. The same is true for a couple. When things are not going right between two people, their body language will express it loud and clear.

Do a Google image search for Michelle and Barack. Any time these two are together there is a natural and easy affection between the two. Their body language speaks volumes about their relationship. Their body language lets us know that they genuinely enjoy being around each other.

Make a point to hug or caress your partner on a daily basis. It’s easy for this simple act to slip through the cracks of busyness. Daily affection helps relieve stress, and is a wonderful way to communicate the words “I love you!” to your spouse.

Get Through Hard Times Together
In President Obama’s book The Audacity of Hope he talks about how they had problems in 2000, a lot of it having to do with him spending so much time out campaigning and developing his political career.

A good marriage mentor will be a couple that has been through hard times and is willing to talk about the experience. When you and your spouse are in the middle of a rough patch it becomes hard to believe that anything will get better. Having a couple around to let you know that they’ve “been there, done that” is a great way to march through the inevitable hard times. And during those hard times sometimes all you need is to know that someone has been through a similar situation and come out on the other side.

Learning these lessons from the presidential couple will have you cheering “Yes we can!” about the possibility of a great marriage.

Asking the Questions You Don’t Ask on Dates: Hello, Howdy, and Hola

Hello.  Howdy.  Hola.

Each word is different.  At the same time, each word seems to have the same goal.  Each of these words wants to express greetings to another.

Even though hello, howdy and hola share the same purpose, the one an individual uses is determined by the family he or she grew up in.  If your family rode horses and lived on a ranch you’d be much more likely to use ‘howdy’ compared to your typical family from the suburbs.  And if you grew up in China you’re probably not going to say ‘hola’ when you answer the phone.

The families we come from, naturally, determine the language that we use.  We talk the way our family talks.  Not only do we learn our vocabulary from our parents, we learn our communication style from them as well. 

Just like the Russian girl that speaks Russian, a person who comes from a ‘family of yellers’ is probably going to yell.  Or a person who comes from a ‘family of bottlers’ will more than likely bottle their feelings up.

• How did your parents fight? 
• What did your family fight about?
• What types of feelings came with fighting?  Fear?  Anger? 
• How loud did fights get?
• How were fights resolved?  (This is a big one.  Most people never see a conflict truly resolve itself.)

What fighting language do you have?  What fighting language does your spouse speak?  What do you not like about your (not your partner’s) fighting language?

Hump Day: A gift for the eyes

As the middle point in the week, Wednesday is often referred to as “Hump Day”.  I like to celebrate “Hump Day” with fun, interesting, or thought-provoking posts about what should be one of a couples’ favorite times together… The Hump!  Enjoy!

I’m not planning a wedding, but I keep Ashley’s Bride Guide on my daily blog reading diet because the site is just plain fun and informative.  Also, most of the tips are transferrable to any event planning, so it is so totally relevant. 

Thankfully, my love for ABG allowed me to find out about boudoir photography that is going on right here in Nashville!  Dove Wedding Photography is hosting what they are calling a Sweets Event on January 24th and 25th.  Ladies get to spend time at a Nashville hotel, drinking champagne, getting professional makeup done, and flirting with the camera.  In the end they get to go home with amazing pictures to give to the man in their life.

I am loving this idea for so many reasons that it is hard to keep them straight!

Men are visual

Men are visual.  Men. are. visual. 

Their engines get revved when they see your body.  He doesn’t want to keep the lights on so that he can point out your cellulite.  No!  He wants to keep them on because he loves seeing the skin and the curves.  To get tasteful pictures of you in all your sexual glory will have him knowing he is the luckiest guy in the world!

Confidence is key

Our culture runs on the belief that you’re only sexy when you look like Carmen Electra.  Since less than 2% of females comes close it stands to reason that we should be ashamed of our bodies… No!  Of course not! 

Confidence is so important in the bedroom.  It is more important than flat abs and a big bust.  Luckily, confidence is also easier to get than flat abs or a big bust.  It is knowing that you are beautiful and valuable.  I believe one of the most powerful things that this boudoir photo shoot can offer is being able to see yourself in a new light.  Most of us decide that we’re not beautiful or sexual, and these photos would be tangible proof that you are so wrong.

Be vulnerable

Sex is not simply the satisfaction of physical needs.  It is being vulnerable with another, showing them a side of ourselves that we allow no one else to see.  This wouldn’t simply be the gift of sexy photographs, this gift would be just a touch more glue in the bond between you.

This Hump Day give him something beautiful and confident to look at, and while you’re at it… take a picture!