Recession Takes Divorce Off the Table

I was interested to discover that divorce is becoming a less popular solution to marital woes now that we’re in a recession.

For the longest time our culture has glorified the freedom of options, and the celebration of ‘Me’.  We love restaurants that offer more choices than we could possibly consider.  Advertising serves as constant reminder that the ultimate goal in life is to have the most or be the youngest looking.

               

The love of options and an unhealthy love of self have served as primary ingredients for a recipe for divorce.  A healthy and intimacy-filled marriage flies in the face of this culture.  A good marriage says that there are no longer any other choices, we’re commited to protecting our bond.  A good marriage consists of two people willing and ready to sacrifice for each other, willing to be responsible to each other.

Coincidentally, this recession is also slaps our culture in the face.  The recession has taken away lots of options that we assumed would always be around (i.e. selling homes easily, plenty of jobs), and the luxury of putting your desires first.  This recession is looking us square in the eye and saying, “Make your bed, lay down, and shut up.”

We used to wiggle out of marriages easily with divorce or trial separations.  But as the recession hacks away at our options to support ourselves, we’re finally forced to look at each other and wonder if there is any other way to make it work….

You might just find that this recession is the answer to your marital prayers.

Avoiding you like the stomach bug

I ended up spending the entire first weekend of the New Year at home with a stomach virus.  Not fun.  It seemed as if every hour on the hour I was in the bathroom throwing up whether I had anything to throw up or not.  Miserable would properly describe the weekend.

The worst part is that I hate throwing up.  It’s gross.  It’s uncomfortable.  It’s painful.  It even became scary when I started to wonder if I’d ever stop throwing up. 

I didn’t mind that I was lethargic and running a fever, but I desperately wanted the throwing  up to be over.  Please stop rejecting food, I begged my stomach.

Twelve hours into it I was tired of it, and determined to find a way to stop myself from throwing up.  There had to be a food I could eat or a pill I could take that would allow the virus to pass through without me having to throw up.  We can put people in space, surely there was a remedy for throwing up.

A Google search led me to the sad conclusion that, no, you just have to fight through it.  The only way to stop throwing up is to get whatever is messing up your system out of your system. 

The more I thought about it, I realized that my disdain for vomit is similar to other people’s avoidance of conflict.  Most people come into therapy and would like a quick fix to stop the arguing.  Most aren’t interested in dealing with their issues.  Or coming to a place of resolution.  Most people just want to stop fighting.

Fortunately, my body didn’t give me the choice to avoid throwing up.  If it did, I would probably still have a virus sitting in my stomach destroying me from the inside out.  But people get to choose to avoid conflict.  People get to pretend that everything is ‘fine’.  People get to turn the volume up on the t.v. when their partner starts to nag.  And they are essentially choosing to destroy their relationships from the inside out.

There is no quick fix to the problems in a relationship.  No one can help you ’stop fighting’.  Because even though fighting sucks, it has a purpose.  It allows you to clear the air.  To come to a compromise with your partner.  No it isn’t fun.  But, just like throwing up, fighting is necessary if you want to get better.

Workshops to Save Time and Money

I just wanted to let everyone know that I will be hosting another Premarital Workshop on January 24th from 12 P.M. to 4 P.M.

If you are interested please let me know by email (marie.mckinney@gmail.com) or phone (615.504.0634).  The deadline to register is January 20th.

Also, I plan on offering these workshops twice a month after January, and will be posting future dates soon!

Traffic Jam of Love

The other morning there was a horrible traffic jam on the interstate. A tractor trailer had turned over, and the interstate would be closed off at that exit for a good 5 hours.

As I crept along at the 2 mph pace, I grew impatient. And a bit angry. I had places to be, and people to see. I did not have time to deal with this mess. My dramatic inner voice even said things like, “Oh, goodness, why me?” and “This is the end of the world, I have to get where I’m going!”

Unfortunately, the next exit was miles away and I had no choice but to deal with it.

Imagine if, in the face of this difficult traffic time, I had turned my car off and refused to drive another mile.  I would have been an annoyance to all of the driving community, creating a completely unnecessary problem because life was not going my way at that particular point in time.

Fortunately, I had gotten out of the traffic jam before I could throw a tantrum.  By the time I had gotten to the office, I had pretty much forgotten about my meltdown. The world did not end, and other than a few adjustments to my schedule life was back on track.

Ever had a fight with someone, particularly a spouse or close family member, that left you feeling like you were fighting through the world’s worst traffic jam? It was disheartening. You aren’t sure if you can deal with the hurtful words or the broken trust.

More than likely those difficult times eventually passed over.  You and your loved ones got back on track, and life went on.

Every once in a while, though, we simply turn off our cars in the middle of a love traffic jam.  Somehow we begin to think that a potential solution is to just quit playing.  We give up on the people in our lives.  We hold grudges.  We tell our spouse, “I’m done”.  We prefer to quit pressing forward, and hope that the world will calm down around us.

In a relationship, especially a marriage, we can’t ever believe that stopping is a solution.  We must always remember that love is a journey you go on, and we have to keep on moving.  The more we move, the more we keep focused on our goal of healthy relationships, the faster the traffic jam becomes a vague memory.

Asking the Questions You Don’t Ask on Dates

The first date is a very unique experience that some people love, and others absolutely dread. 

It is exciting because this is a new person in your life that you know little to nothing about (unless you’ve done the proper amount of Facebook stalking research).  And at the same time the first date can be extremely uncomfortable.  Because it’s kinda like a job interview except way more personal.

Because of this mixture of exploring this new person, and putting yourself out there to be, essentially, judged, first dates are full of questions.  What kind of music do you listen to?  Where did you grow up?  What “clique” were you a part of in high school?  Where do you see life taking you in the next 5 years?

We ask these questions.  We get and give answers.  We become more (or less) interested in this new person.  We might become a couple.  And after a few months we quit asking questions because we already know so much about each other (“We know each other so well… we finish each other’s sentences!”).  We might even decide to get married…

But how much do you really know about each other?  Are there questions you’ve never asked because you assumed you knew the answer?  Or were afraid to find out the answer?  Or think the answer is trivial at best?

Asking the Questions You Don’t Ask on Dates is a ’series’ I am starting to introduce you to topics you and your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/other intimate partner maybe haven’t talked about for various reasons.  Like it’s scary.  Or hard to talk about.  Or you didn’t think was very important.

I’ll introduce a question, why it’s important to find out the answer, and some tips and information on broaching the subject.  And even if you’ve already talked about the topic, why not bring it up again… people do change, ya know.

Get a discount on your Nashville Marriage License

Tennessee offers a $60 discount on the marriage license for couples who get premarital preparation courses prior to tying the knot. 

The course requirements for getting the discount include:

• A minimum of 4 hours
• Includes topics such as finances, communication skills, conflict management, sexuality, parenting, etc.
• Facilitated by an approved provider

I will be providing a Premarital Workshop that will meet all of these requirements for the discount on your marriage license. 

This workshop will be fun, interactive, and covers a broad range of topics that will help you and your fiance feel even more confident in your relationship.

Email me at marie.mckinney@gmail.com to register or get more information.
Date:  December 27th, 2008
Time:  9:00 A.M. to 1:00 P.M.
Place:  TBA
Cost:   $40/couple

Who on earth did I marry?

As I listened to NPR on the way to work I heard a report about a Muslim couple in an arranged marriage.  At one point the reporter comments,

To see this husband and wife move about their Virginia home in total sync, finish each other’s sentences, tend to their 2-year-old daughter, you’d never think they hadn’t lived together before they were married.

In the beginning, though, it was a different story.

[Sana, the wife] says there were — and still are — moments when she said to herself that she barely knew her spouse.

“I think he still has moments like that” as well, she says.

The couple had not chosen each other, and had not spent very much time in the “getting to know you” phase.  Their parents said they would be a good fit, the couple agreed, the couple married. 

I think the reporter wanted to make it seem as if looking at your partner and asking “Who on earth is this person?” was unique to arranged marriages.  Implying that other couples do not have that gut check moment when they have to question if they ever really knew each other.

I am not sure that any marriage can escape this question.  No matter how long you date.  Whether you met through eHarmony or on a blind date.  Live together or not live together.

Everyone, at one point in time or another, is going to ask, “Who on earth are you?”

And it’s ok.  Sometimes it’s even a good question, even if it doesn’t feel like it at the time.

Because just like a crying baby and the smell of smoke coming from the kitchen are signs that something isn’t quite right, questioning how well you know your spouse can give you insight to an area of your relationship that could be so much better.

• Maybe you feel distant, and want to regain the intimacy the two of you used to know.
• Maybe you have been trying to hide a part of who you are from this person causing you to feel as if your partner is the one hiding from you.  It’s called projection.
• Maybe you’ve had expectations that your spouse isn’t living up to.  Maybe you know exactly who he or she is, and your simply disappointed.

Ignoring a crying baby or the smell of smoke can lead to disasterous events, and the same is true of ignoring these feelings.

The first step is to be honest with each other about what you want.  Don’t attack your partner.  Don’t list out every way they’ve hurt and/or disappointed you.  Talk about you, and only you.

And ask questions.  Questions bring us closer.  Remember that.

Life is out of control

Lauryn Williams is a track star for the United States.  She was a favorite to win many events at the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. 

Interviews leading up to the Olympic games showed Lauryn as being confident in her abilities.  In one interview she was asked what advice she would give to young athletes and she replied,

 One thing I would ask them to take in and apply to every part of their life, not just sports, is not to make excuses about why they can’t do something. So often, you see people who try to claim they are victims of the circumstances around them. No one is going to turn their back on someone who is trying their hardest.

Throughout the interview she spoke of this concept of working hard to attain goals.  There was a definite sense that Lauryn felt in control of how well she did on the track.  A poor performance was due to not training hard enough, or letting nerves get the best of her.  A great performance was attributed to hard work and perseverance.

Lauryn was unable, however, to medal at any event at the Games in Beijing.  She lost two individual races and a relay.  After a failed baton pass in the relay she said,

 Maybe someone has a voodoo doll of me.

 I thought it was interesting how someone so successful and aware of the fact that hard work pays off could still fall prey to the idea that life was out of her hands. 

Anytime we are met with a series of bad events it is so very easy to slip into the belief that we no longer have control of our life.  We begin to believe that our happiness or success is determined by someone ‘out there’, instead of believing that we are always in control of our life.

This week take time to consider the ways and areas of your life where you are in control.  How can you better control your attitude?  What are some steps you can take that will make your life better?  What areas have you given power over your life to someone else?

 

 

What are you building?

Dreaming about what marriage will be like is one of the best parts of planning a wedding.  Most people imagine a life full of companionship, support, and intimacy.  If marriage was a building most of us begin thinking it will look like this…

The Taj Mahal was commissioned by Mughal Emperor Shah Jahan for his wife Empress Mumtaz Mahal.  The colors are rich, the details are intricate, and its size and stature are positively overwhelming.  All because he wanted to express his deep love for a woman.

And when we’re planning a wedding we really believe that marriage will “look” like the Taj Mahal.  It will be beautiful.  It will be different than anything we’ve ever seen or experienced before.  It will inspire.

Question, how many Taj Mahal marriages do you know of today?

Do most of the marriages that surround you look more like this…

Lonely.  Boring.  Fragile.  It would take little more than a heavy downpour to wash it away. 

With 50% of marriages ending in divorce, and low marital satisfaction reports across the board it isn’t surprising that we are more likely to see marriages as huts than to see them as the Taj Mahals they can be.

The difference between the two buildings is more than just aesthetics.  The Taj Mahal has lots of time, money, and heart invested into it.  The hut is more of an after thought, it is what got built “when we found the time”.

A marriage full of color, vibrancy, love, intimacy, companionship is planned.  Care is taken to build a true masterpiece of a marriage.

Cave Dwellers

My dad recently shared an interesting story with me about my great-grandparents.

Apparently, there was a cave close to my great-grandparent’s home.  In the middle of heated arguments my great-grandfather would stand up, announce he was tired of all the fighting, and would be moving into the cave as soon as possible.

The idea of a gruff old man leaving everything he owns to live in a cave is, well, to be honest,  it’s kind of funny. 

It is also a wonderful image of how most of us handle conflict.  We become fed up and angry.  Sometimes we feel threatened or scared.  Either way, we go into our cave to seek refuge from these negative feelings.

The cave is not necessarily a ‘bad place’.  When you become emotional during a conflict, it is healthy to step back and cool down.

The question is, do you ever come out of the cave?  And let’s say that you do summon up the courage, what do you do once you are out there again? 

Is it really possible to come out of the cave and have a better relationship because of it?

Learning and practicing healthy communication skills can make coming out of the cave a little bit easier and a lot more productive.  Make coming out of the cave easier by:

• Expressing how you feel without accusation.  Telling the other person you are afraid, angry, or hurt without accusing them can often soften the tone of a conversation.
• Be clear and specific about what actions have hurt or offended you, i.e. “I felt afraid when you raised your voice” or “I became angry when I saw the dishes were still not done”.
• Be positive and loving, even if you don’t necessarily ‘feel’ so.  Using caring words, and making a point to recognize positive attributes of a person or event can make these very difficult conversations a little bit easier.

Taking a time out in the cave can be a great solution for a time, however, it is no way to live.